Where Darkness Breaks

English version

Here I am. I am where God Himself has brought me.

Many have said, “Leave your life to God and He will guide you,” but I could never fully understand that. How do you let go? How do you release control, when everything around you was collapsing and you always had to think ahead, always had to secure yourself?

People are here today, and gone tomorrow. Strength is nowhere to be found, and willpower even less. Just when you finally gather strength and will, they suddenly disappear. Or when you find the will to stay somewhere you feel you belong, that is exactly where you are rejected—and once again, you have to move on.

And so, in moments of greatest happiness, you receive the hardest blow. Then you pretend you are strong. To others, you are sharp, cold, untouchable—while inside yourself you are releasing the loudest screams and howls.

All those screams, howls, and the filth of life begin to gather somewhere deep inside you. Although the body is such a small being, inside it there are no longer clumps, but rocks of pain, and avalanches of mud. Mud that boils and gathers, waiting for the moment it will explode.

And then suddenly—right there, at that very place where those massive rocks and that mud exist—a grain of light breaks through. Grain by grain… As if someone pierced the darkness with a needle and let light pass through those tiny holes.

Then something happens: that change begins to disturb the darkness that has lived there for so long, and the screams and howls begin to rise to the surface. As they rise in rebellion, the light grows stronger. The mud that was boiling begins to come out—because the light and the change disturb it.

And all those massive rocks begin to break apart, piece by piece, into small fragments, falling into the mud and leaving together with it. And there was darkness—until the light came.

And so, a good part comes out, disappears, while another part remains there, but even it is waiting for its turn and its moment for the light to begin cleansing it. Some of the screams tried to hide, thinking they had escaped—but they didn’t.

As Merlin says in one song:

“Oh no, we were not born evil, we were never like that.

We were not born evil—we never stopped loving.”

Tamo gde mrak puca

Srpski

Evo me, tu sam. Tu sam gde me sam Bog doveo.

Mnogi su rekli: „Prepusti život Bogu i on će da te vodi“, ali to nikada nisam mogla da razumem. Kako da pustim? Kada se sve oko mene rušilo i kada sam uvek morala da razmišljam unapred i da se „obezbeđujem“.

Ljudi su danas tu, a sutra već nisu. Snage nigde, a volje tek ni na pomolu. Taman dobiješ snagu i volju, a ona odjednom nestane. Ili tamo gde imaš volju da ostaneš, gde ti se čini da pripadaš, tu budeš odbačen i opet moraš da ideš.

I tako, u najvećoj sreći, dobiješ najjači udarac. I onda glumiš kako si jak. Pred drugima si oštar, hladan, nedodirljiv, a zapravo u sebi ispuštaš najveće krike i urlike.

I tako se svi ti krici, urlici i bljuvotine od života skupljaju negde duboko u tebi. Iako telom tako malo biće, u njemu više nisu grumenovi, nego stene bola i lavine mulja. Mulja koji se krčka, skuplja i čeka trenutak kada će da eksplodira.

A onda, odjednom, baš tu, baš na tom mestu gde su te silne stene i taj mulj, probije se zrno svetlosti. Zrno po zrno… Kao da je neko izbockao mrak iglicom i pustio svetlost kroz te sitne rupice.

Tada se dešava da ta promena počinje da smeta tami koja je tu već jako dugo i ti krici i urlici počinju da izlaze na površinu. Kako izlaze u pobunu, tako svetlost biva sve jača, a mulj koji je ključao počinje da izlazi—izlazi jer mu smetaju svetlost i promena.

I sve te silne stene razbijaju se deo po deo u male grumenčiće, upadaju u mulj i zajedno sa njim odlaze. I bi tama, dok ne dođe svetlost.

I tako, dobar deo izađe napolje i nestane, dok onaj drugi deo ostaje tu, ali i njega čeka red i čas da svetlost krene da ga čisti. Pojedini urlici su zatajili misleći da su se izvukli—ali nisu.

Kako kaže Merlin u jednoj pesmi:

„O ne, mi nismo rođeni zli, mi takvi nikada nismo ni bili.

Mi nismo rođeni zli, voleti nismo ni prestali.“